<— * strictly classified information * —>

What if we I told you that every time you order from our store, you’re not just getting an item – you’re getting a piece of us? Literally. Microscopically. Disgustingly.

Here’s the thing about small businesses that the government doesn’t want you to know: we handle everything ourselves. Everything. And by “handle,” we mean we touch, breathe on, occasionally sneeze close-by, and sometimes strategically rub against our art in ways that would make a CDC investigator reach for a hazmat suit.

 

Evidence Log

Our quality control process involves something we call “biological authentication.” Every package receives what our legal department has advised us to term “affectionate contact” but which we all know are straight-up kisses. And you best believe: they are sloppy and wet.

But here’s where it gets interesting – and we mean Mulder-pointing-at-blurry-photographs–interesting. After an order goes through a process of contact with “high-DNA-yield body regions“, it is imprinted with an unforgeable watermark of our origin, promising the highest in state-of-the-art art security.

 

Free DNA Sample With Every Order

If you use this special DNA Hunter link, we’ll make sure that every item you order will get an especially potent piece of our DNA on it. 

Disclaimer: DNA material from the artists may not be extracted, cloned, reanimated, crossbred with dinosaurs, or used in any of, but not limited to, the following: seances, school plays, reanimation of vampire or vampire-adjacent beings, nefarious bidding, general tomfoolery. Do not bring DNA material in contact with aquatic animals, fungi, or miasmic entities. Any attempts to do so will result in unforeseen doom.